Филиал Ада. Поход в ГБУ

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Каждое третье воскресенье марта в России отмечается праздник с длинным и сложнозапоминаемым названием День работников бытового обслуживания населения и жилищно-коммунального хозяйства. Сегодня, в третье воскресенье марта 2016 года, а значит, в День работника ЖКХ, самое время открыть новую рубрику на страницах вашего любимого самиздата — «Филиалы Ада». Да-да, это именно то, о чём вы подумали. Наш автор Ксения Бабич будет каждые две недели посещать филиалы Ада на Земле — всевозможные государственные органы и службы — и рассказывать вам об этом. На очереди районный суд и отделение Сбербанка, а также много других мест, в которых никто из нас не хотел бы оказаться по собственной воле. Сегодня Ксения рассказывает о том, как пошла в ЖЭК, чтобы обнаружить, что ЖЭКа больше нет, а есть некий таинственный ГБУ, на поверку оказывающийся тем же самым ЖЭКом.

С Днём работника ЖКХ в России всё сложно. Редко кто (даже среди самих представителей этих профессий) может сказать, когда именно он отмечается. По одним данным, 15 марта, по другим — в третье воскресенье марта. А сантехники, судя по всему, отмечают его практически целый год. Недавно, поздравляя почётных работников ЖКХ Москвы с профессиональным праздником, мэр города Сергей Собянин предложил переименовать этот день в «День работников света, тепла, чистой воды, благоустройства, красоты и порядка на улицах».

День. Работников. Света. Тепла. Чистой воды. Благоустройства. Красоты. И порядка.

Всё переменчиво в мире жилищно-коммунального хозяйства. Даже те самые три заветные буквы — ЖЭК, настолько привычные со времён большого СССР, существенно изменились: теперь этот филиал Ада на Земле называется ГБУ. Государственное бюджетное учреждение. В Москве у него есть ещё одно имя — «жилищник». На официальном сайте этих самых жилищников указаны сто двадцать шесть мест (некоторые даже с мейлами), которые могут помочь горожанам в их нелёгкой жилищной жизни. Но что мы знаем об этом диком мире ГБУ?

ЖЭК умер. Да здравствует ГБУ!

Только невероятной силы обстоятельства могут заставить человека обратиться в этот самый жилищник, потому что там можно пропасть, сгинуть и раствориться. Это не шутка. Сначала нужно найти свой ГБУ, а это уже не так-то легко. В районе их может быть несколько, но не все они «вашего участка», и если вдруг попасть не в свой, то можно огрести. Милые тётушки с серьгами до плеч орали на меня, когда я зашла не в тот жилищник. Кто же знал, что лефортовских ГБУ много и во всех них очень любят не работать: открываются нехотя в восемь утра, всегда кто-то или опаздывает, или его просто нет. Можно бродить по коридору и искать нужного человека, чтобы он в итоге объяснил тебе только одно: прав у тебя никаких нет, но можно ознакомиться с меню платных услуг.

Прейскурант за приличные деньги обещает тебе всё, о чём только может мечтать смертный человек. Мне, например, надо было заменить кран, но это дело такое, что мастер-сантехник никак не может прийти в то время, когда удобно тебе. И только высшие силы (на самом деле — деньги) могут заставить его что-то сделать.

Работники жилищника — милые люди, добрые и отзывчивые, правда, некоторые не совсем понимают, что умеют делать и как.
— Слуш, ты эт самое, ты в электрике понимаешь?
— Что-то понимаю, что-т нет. А что там?
— Ну, придём, я тебе покажу, а то сам не знаю.

Разговаривают два человека в фирменных жилетках жилищника. Которые идут куда-то с чемоданчиком.
Пока ты носишься из тринадцатого в двадцать шестой кабинет и трясёшь какими-то сомнительными бумагами, тебе всё время говорят, что нужно ещё там или сям нечто уточнить. Ты обращаешь внимание на таких же людей, которые носятся вокруг этой микровавилонской башни и пытаются кому-то что-то объяснить. Или воззвать. В большинстве случаев — тщетно.

Вот какой-то дедуля с медалью трясёт палкой и говорит, что ему надо переделать трубы, у него собраны все документы, вот он сам даже пришёл, так как ждёт своей очереди уже год.

Вот женщина в пуховике, пытается кому-то объяснить, что у неё батареи не греют и всю зиму не грели, все болеют, а никто и ничего не может сделать.

Все ходят, как в спектакле, и пересаживаются, меняясь друг с другом местами. В этот ГБУ так и не пришла никакая электронная очередь. Лучше просто уйти отсюда. Фиг с ним с краном. «Никогда в жизни больше не пойду в это место», — пообещала себе я.

И тут треснул унитаз.

Пришлось снова идти в ГБУ и ознакомиться с прейскурантом. После подсчёта всех расходов это стало походить на какое-то безумие: 4 150 рублей стоит работа сантехников по замене унитаза. Одна только работа. А унитаз, над которым они будут работать, тебе самому нужно добыть и принести в свой дом. За круглую тоже сумму, естественно. Потом начинается самое интересное: ТОРГ. Ты находишь одного из сантехников — назовём его Карамоном — и говоришь ему за углом официального жилищника, что ты можешь лично ему заплатить три тыщи — и пусть он в удобное время переустановит унитаз. Вроде бы сделка состоялась, вы обменялись телефонами и договорились.

За день до этого он сам перезванивает и говорит, что небольшой пакетик цемента он оставил в твоём почтовом ящике (что?), всё будет отлично и по высшему сорту сделано (ну, ладно).

В условленный день и час ты звонишь ему и спрашиваешь:
— Вас ждать, Карамон?

А он такой:
— Вы кто?

После десяти минут напоминаний о себе, о том, что вы же условились, дело с мёртвой точки не сдвигается, Карамон никуда идти не хочет и никакого пакетика с цементом не помнит. Деньги ждут, унитаз тоже, и тут вы такой, ловкач-эконом, говорите Карамону: «ЛАДНО, ЧЕТЫРЕ ТЫЩИ». И всё, Карамон уже с перфоратором отфигачивает старинный унитаз в вашей съёмной квартире и потом ещё пять часов устанавливает новый, всё это время он орёт из ванной:
— Хозяйкэ, тряпку!
— Хозяйкэ, цемент!
— Хозяйкэ, нож!

Рядом с ним стоит мальчик. Напарник, который не делает ровным счётом ничего, просто стоит и наблюдает. За работами. Кто этот молчаливый человек, стоящий пять часов в коридоре, — сложно сказать, его предназначение становится понятно только тогда, когда какая-то из деталей абсолютно нового унитаза ломается в руках Карамона или же просто-напросто отказывается работать. И тогда мальчик мчится в магазин и приносит новую. В моём случае — кнопку спуска.
После всего этого вы ещё два часа отмываете свой новый унитаз от чёрных следов пальцев Карамона и цемента, от этого же цемента, а также от натоптанных Карамоном и мальчиком следов вы отмываете пол и молитесь, молитесь, чтобы унитаз никогда больше не ломался, потому что ещё раз оказаться в этом филиале Ада на Земле под названием ГБУ вы больше не хотите.

С праздником, дорогие!

3.unity

Эту невероятно обалденную картинку нам нарисовала Дарья Сазанович, великая. Дарья, вы просто наша госпожа!

Если вы нашли ошибку, пожалуйста, выделите фрагмент текста и нажмите Ctrl+Enter.

130 комментариев

  • Бюджетник:

    Ксюш, ГБУ – это организационная форма. Как ООО, АО или ИП, например.
    Зайдя в условную говно-парикмахерскую ООО “Шарм”, ты же не потом говорить “пойду стричься в другое ООО”? Вот и тут филиал ада имеет конкретное название – “Жилишник района %название”района%”.

    Но контора адская, что есть, то есть. Колхозные технологии и экономия на всем!

  • Карен:

    Странная какая-то история. Что за ГБУ? Всё это делается в МФЦ, в которых и электронные очереди работают, и персонал вышколенный.

  • Narudamon:

    Дорогой автор, Вас забанили в гугле? Интернетики ломятся от предложений всяческих сантехнических контор. Есть, разумеется, мнение, что мазохизм – лучший отдых.

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