Как я постигала культурный код современников и узнала, кто ходит на передачу «Давай поженимся»

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Раздел Познание уже давно и упорно изучает этот мир наступившего Постапокалипсиса — в том числе и с точки зрения культурных кодов. Директор отдела Мистики и Экстрасенсорики Ольга Осипова уже рассказывала, что будет, если неделю без перерыва смотреть ТВ-3, а потом целые сутки — Юмор-ТВ, наш бравый автор Кира Тульчинская ради вас неделю слушала радио Радонеж. Телевизор и телевидение интересуют нас и как метод современного познания, и как его объект. И сегодня наша читательница Маша Орлинская расскажет, что ей удалось узнать о съёмках популярных телешоу от продавца симкарт и профессионального жениха Алексея.

Начиталась я как-то статей любимого самиздата и решила, что пора. Пора рвануть в неистовое изучение мира наступившего Постапокалипсиса. Образование у меня вполне подходящее: по первой вышке я филолог, по второй — искусствовед. Для справки: телика у меня нет уже около года. Короче, не о чем мне с людьми нормальными разговаривать. Ни про группировки, ни про сомнительных звёзд ничего не знаю.

Но тут так получилось, что зазнакомилась я совершенно случайно с мальчиком (которого стоит называть скорее дядей), который ходил на телепередачу «Давай поженимся». Каюсь, пару раз мы с матушкой на даче смотрели это постановочное сватание на Первом канале и всё задавались наперебой вопросом — ну кто же туда пойдёт, нет, ну кем надо быть, чтобы туда пойти? Какой нормальный человек на всю страну скажет: «Я прошерстил все бары, сайты знакомств и соседок — ничего не получилось. Лариса, спасай!». И вот, судьба предоставила мне ходячий ответ.
Начнём с того, что товарищ не явился на интервью, на которое я его пригласила. После долгих блужданий и объяснений встреча таки состоялась, но в трёх станциях метро от изначально оговорённой территории. Кстати, вы помните игру «Виселица»? Где пытаешься отгадать слово, и чем хуже у тебя дела, тем больше прорисовывается человечек. Вот у меня в голове при встрече с героем моего рассказа моментально сложилось слово «мудак», и голова с ручками под ним уже были чётко видны.

Мальчик (дядя) Лёша оказался продавцом симкарт. Прямо вот в фартучке «Теле-2» и около метро стоял. Очень хотелось сначала вовсе от него отмахнуться, мол, не надо мне вашей дешёвой связи. Но оказалось, что это вот тот жених и есть, собственной персоной. А я и не признала.

В общем, засели мы с Лёшей в подозрительной кафешке и стали болтать. Он начал меня уверять, что нормальный парень. И вообще у него была женщина на момент съёмок. Только потом отчего-то перестала с ним разговаривать. Нервный какой-то бабец оказался.

Ну а дальше мои розовые очки треснули пополам. Может быть, я сейчас покажусь вам младенцем, и вы все давно уже в курсе, но меня эта новость реально ошеломила. Оказалось, что все участницы шоу, на котором был Лёша, — начинающие модели, которым очень надо было засветиться. Им говорят, что примерно они должны сказать, в какой последовательности рыдать-смеяться и что надеть. Исход программы имеет значение только для тех, кто её смотрит, а участники после съёмок обычно садятся в такси и едут домой к жене. Все пытаются что-то отыграть, а Станиславский в это время, вертясь в гробу, центробежную силу Земли делает, бедный. Например, в передаче был момент, когда одна из участниц расплакалась. Другая участница умилительно слушала-слушала, да и пошла утешать. Лёша заверил меня, что этот момент переснимали три раза, все никак не могли расплакаться в нужный момент или слова утешения не перепутать. Была ещё участница, которая торжественно заявила, что она невинна. Но, как утверждает «жених», по страстным поцелуям в такси так и не скажешь.

Вообще Лёша оказался парнем, прошаренным в мире телика. Повёл меня дальше и начал рассказывать про обман в других шоу. Например, в милых передачах, где люди, которые любят пожрать, от этой привычки и её последствий вроде как избавляются, никто ни черта на самом деле не худеет. Их просто к концу сезона наряжают в утягивающее бельё, да лицо рисуют без щёк. Был ещё рассказ про какую-то подставную парочку в мире шоу-бизнеса, но там было слишком сложно для запоминания, моя голова этого уже не выдержала. А записывать всё это в ту же тетрадочку, в которой у меня были лекции по актуальным проблемам современного искусствоведения, мне совсем не хотелось.

Разговор был долгим и для меня полным новых открытий. Ближе к его логическому завершению Лёша всё-таки спросил, что же я буду делать с этой информацией. Я начала кидаться словами типа «гендерный анализ», «философия постмодернизма», «Постапокалипсис» ну и иже с ними. Мальчик (дядя) смотрел на меня воробьиными глазами и явно не врубался в иронию. Потом попросил приплести ко всему этому его бывшую, чтобы она приревновала. И обязательно сказать, что сейчас у него есть женщина во сто раз краше и милее.

Когда Лёша спросил, кто будет платить за кофе, я дорисовала воображаемому человечку ножки и пошла грустить домой. Нет мне места в этом мире. Надо хотя бы «Горько», что ли, посмотреть. Как теперь жить-то, Батенька, со всеми этими знаниями?

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92 комментариев

  • Александр:

    Подождите,не за горами секс факторы и иже с ними, хотя я не слежу за отечественным телевидением,может у нас уже есть аналоги.

  • Платон:

    Для таких статей Батеньке стоит завести отдельную рубрику “Стыдные потуги”.
    Вся полезная нагрузка материала формулируется тремя предложениями, оставшийся текст пытается зачморить Алексея и обьяснить каким образом наличие пизды у автора статьи обязывает человека, у которого отняли время своей “исследовательской работой” платить за нее в кафе.

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  • The NBA playoffs now for today, have determined the warriors in the western conference and will compete for a spot in the finals quota, knight still don’t know who his opponent was.However, even in the face of the celtics or the wizards, presumably knight will be
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