Как мы отмечали Экватор и устроили локальный Апокалипсис

tsi_4.07.16

Мы в самиздате «Батенька, да вы трансформер» очень любим истории про людей и алкоголь, особенно про людей-студентов. Мы даже завели в разделе «Ресурсы» особую рубрику под названием «Алкоголь & дурь» и тщательно собираем в эту копилочку ваши те самые истории про столкновения с алкогольными демонами. Среди хитов этой рубрики рассказ о выломанной двери, драке с гопниками и Ангеле-спасителе; история турецкого плена из-за бутылки водки; рассказ, как Слава женился из-за банки пива и сказ о том, как Кощей и Исачок привидение в поезде напугали. Сегодня летопись алкогольных историй пополнится рассказом нашей читательницы, представившейся Маргаритой Цёминой, об Экваторе, традиционном студенческом празднике. Маргарита, спасибо вам огромное и берегите себя!

Эта история произошла со мной и моими другими, всё в ней — правда, от заглавной буквы до последней точки. Кроме имён. Имена вымышленные, иначе до конца жизни мне пришлось бы скрываться в далёком-далёком селе среди Карпатских гор и пить на завтрак молоко, а молоко я не люблю.

Студенты — такой народ, который любит праздновать всё и везде: будь то первое сентября или восьмое марта, или же условное тридцать пятое апреля (что даже не пятница, а обычный себе вторник, чуть за утро, пара по высшей математике, предпоследняя парта и бутылка дешёвого коньяка на десятерых) — не важно. Но и у этих людей есть свой сакральный, можно сказать, легендарный праздник. Если вы подумали о Татьянином дне, или, хуже того, Международном дне солидарности учащихся — садитесь, два. Не зря ваш диплом пылится без дела в серванте. Речь пойдёт об Экваторе.

Экватор — это вам не дважды в год упиваться в хламину и щупать симпатичного препода без зазрения совести и, возможно, даже без последствий на сессии, нет. Никто наверняка не знает, где, как, когда и с кем праздновали первый в истории Экватор, и откуда этот праздник вообще пошёл — летописи молчат.

Экватор, он же два с половиной года учёбы, отмечается на третьем курсе после зимней сессии. В сей знаменательный день при подготовке к празднеству граждане студенты, вдохновлённые переменами к лучшему, ведь смутное прошлое далеко позади, а светлое будущее совсем рядом машет рукой, вытирая слезу гордости за новое поколение, торжественно клянутся вести себя прилично и по-взрослому. И даже очень стараются придерживаться данного обещания, готовя разные вкусности, обсуждая последние новости из мира моды и политики под аккомпанемент раннего творчества Фрэнка Синатры. Но ровно до того момента, пока не приедет опоздавший и уже «нарядный» одногруппник и со слегка удивлёнными глазами не спросит: «Ребят, я не понял, чё за говно?».

Свой Экватор мы тоже решили отметить с размахом. Накупили вкусной еды, дорогого алкоголя, накачали крутой музыки, оделись во всё парадно-выходное: девушки на каблуках и в платьях, мужчины тоже ничего так были. Но самое главное — мы сняли трёхэтажный дом. По степени шикарности от одного до десяти это было просто «аааааа-фи-геть!»: две джакузи, сауна, бильярд, камин, терраса, мраморные стены в уборных, огромная плазма и даже декоративные витражи. Женщина, любезно предоставившая сие хозяйство в наше пользование, запросила какие-то смешные деньги за аренду, к тому же без залога и документов. Святая она была или сумасшедшая — к сожалению, узнать нам так и не удалось.

Дело было к вечеру. Мы действительно готовили вкусные блюда, говорили о высоком, слушали джаз и ждали остальных, пока вот эти остальные докупали в супермаркете весь необходимый алкоголь. Но приехал Тёма, тот самый опоздавший и уже «нарядный» одногруппник, и нагло поломал нашу идиллию своим: «Уныло как-то, может, выпьем?», характерно звеня при этом бутылками вискаря и вермута. Мы сопротивлялись и возмущались так долго, как только могли, то есть секунд пять, а после включили что-то из «Руки Вверх» и поддались искушению. Вечер перестал быть томным. К моменту приезда остальных с алкоголем, мы уже час как уважали друг друга. Остальные, не растерявшись, за два стакана залпом догнали нас. Поначалу всё было даже прилично. Немного летали салаты и бильярдные шары, но куда же без этого.

Первой сдалась джакузи на втором этаже. Слегка воодушевлённый на подвиги Лёня решил искупаться, но не учёл, что с ростом в два метра его ноги несколько не влезут в пространство полностью. Это его не остановило. Легкими движениями то одной ноги, то другой Лёня, в семейках и с шампанским, долбал ванну так, будто хотел выдолбить окно в параллельный мир. В какой-то момент ванна дала трещину, как и Лёня, его настроение и его жизнь в целом.
— Зачем!? — спросили мы.
— Затем! — обиженно ответил Лёня и, чтобы поставить жирную точку во всём этом безобразии, раздолбал ещё и позолоченный умывальник.

Узнав, что после неудачи с джакузи Лёня собирает отряд единомышленников с целью захвата сауны, мы не на шутку испугались. Правдами и неправдами мы отогнали всех, закрыли сауну на десять замков, ключ положили в яйцо, яйцо в зайца, зайца в пакет, а пакет выкинули в мусорку, ибо вероятность того, что они там или задохнутся, или спалят нас к чертям, была уж очень высока.

Тем временем предприимчивые Родион и Гена открыли во дворе филиал весёлой карусели и устроили покатушки на тележке. Ещё на выходе из супермаркета они мамой клялись охраннику, что возьмут тележку лишь в краткосрочное пользование, а затем обязательно вернут и падлой будут, если что не так, но как-то вдруг передумали. Затея оказалась весьма успешной: за пару часов была обкатана куча людей, набита куча шишек и сказано немало слов по матери. Соседей тоже приглашали поучаствовать, однако те лишь смущённо улыбнулись, отказались и вызвали милицию. Которая приехала. Как всегда всё порешал Тёма. «Уныло как-то, может, выпьем?» — предложил он, характерно звеня при этом бутылками вискаря и вермута. Товарищи милиционеры не стали отказываться, спустя два глотка полюбили Тёму, как родного, а соседей настоятельно попросили не завидовать. И отчалили.

Коллективное состояние «нет, я люблю тебя больше» постепенно перетекало в «ты мне никогда не нравился, мудак». Кто-то что-то нечаянно вылил, кто-то кого-то за это нечаянно ударил — и понеслось. Руки, ноги и прочие выступающие части тела мелькали со скоростью, как в дорогом голливудском экшене. Самым умным оказался Илья. Он попросту удрал на третий этаж, а там, то ли от страха, то ли, наоборот, от смелости, начал прыгать на кровати. Прыгать и блевать. И так весело ему было, и так замечательно, что прыгал и блевал он, покуда не сломал кровать, не грохнулся на пол и там не уснул. К тому времени драка уже прекратилась. Вот только двери в ванную и в обе комнаты стояли почему-то отдельно от петель, а под ногами хрустело битое стекло. «Ничего страшного» — подумали все и предложили в честь примирения устроить конкурс танцев на бильярдном столе.

Была глубокая ночь, хотелось спать. Часть осталась в гостиной, часть в бильярдной прикуривала сигары от углей в камине, мы же переместились в спальню. Вчетвером на одной кровати (той, что уцелела) нам было очень даже удобно, а вот впятером было бы уже не очень, о чём мы, собственно, и сказали Андрюхе. Андрюха обиделся, потому что тоже хотел спать. Андрюха был сыном депутата, а в прошлом году вообще перешёл от нас на мажорный факультет, так что мириться с таким положением дел отказался. Он падал на нас сверху, но мы его спихивали, потом он демонстративно насиловал швабру и пел песни. Получив подушкой по роже, он наконец успокоился и лёг спать на подоконнике. При этом Андрюха зачем-то укрылся шторой и, когда в очередной раз перевернулся на бок, естественно, оборвал карниз, запутался и благополучно рухнул с подоконника на пол.

На грохот прилетел Тимур. Сначала чтобы поржать. Затем ему показалось, что мы слишком скучно спим, и он тоже захотел спеть нам песню — под гитару. Точнее, не нам всем, а лично Катюхе, но решил, что и мы будем не против. Тимур — это тот самый человек, который на экзамене «знает всё, кроме именно вот этого». В ту ночь он оказался человеком, который «умеет всё, кроме именно вот этого». Именно вот этим оказалась игра на гитаре. То есть играл он на ней даже хуже, чем никак. Сорок минут мы терпели его серенады. Наконец Захар предложил Тимуру заткнуться и станцевать с Катюхой медляк, а сам пригласил меня и позвал остальных присоединиться.

Многие признались, что не танцевали ещё с детских лагерей. По такому поводу песню Мистера Кредо «Медляк» крутили раз десять. На одиннадцатый раз меня затошнило ходить по кругу без остановки, и я пошла мыть посуду. Остальные продолжили, но уже под Шуру и его «Ты не верь слезам, всё вернётся после дооолгих ночеееей», а также что-то из далёких 90-х. Пожалуй, это был самый душевный момент за весь Экватор.

Утро выдалось прохладным. На улице всё ещё был январь, а дверь на балкон отсутствовала, вот совсем отсутствовала, и куда она делась, мы не знали. Кто-то пошутил, что Захар и Лёня, уезжая ночью на такси, могли её прихватить с собой, но было не смешно. Во-первых, Захар и Лёня на самом деле вполне могли забрать дверь с собой, да, ночью, да, в такси, и не спрашивайте, зачем. А во-вторых, всё вокруг напоминало декорации фильма про Апокалипсис. Сломанные двери (две) плюс та, что пропала; разбитые джакузи (тоже две — что произошло со второй, так и осталось загадкой) и позолоченный умывальник, остатки кровати на третьем этаже (привет, Илья!) и ещё одной на втором; в камине вместо дров валялись и, кажется, тлели шары для бильярда, пол украшала салатная мозаика, стены — алкогольные фрески, а под подушкой совершенно случайно был обнаружен разбитый витраж. Но что самое удивительное — плазма, огромная такая плазма во всю стену, которая и без нас держалась на соплях, осталась целой и невредимой, без единой, хотя бы маленькой царапинки. И даже транслировала похабные клипы одного из музыкальных каналов.

Что могли, мы попытались отмыть и починить — через час нужно было сдавать дом хозяйке. Долго не знали, куда деть витраж. В итоге отправили Андрюху во двор с очень важным заданием — закопать. И он закопал. Оставил кучу посреди двора и присыпал снегом.

Прежде чем приехала хозяйка, мы попытались подсчитать ущерб, но вычитать и умножать четырёхзначные числа в уме, да ещё и после такой ночи, было крайне сложно, поэтому, когда хозяйка наконец приехала, мы пожелали ей удачного дня и свалили крайне быстро.

Дом, который мы снимали, находился в частном секторе, а частный сектор — в ебенях. Чтобы добраться до цивилизации, нужно было двадцать минут идти пешком до конечной чего-то там, а оттуда ещё минут пятнадцать на автобусе или на маршрутке ехать до ближайшей станции метро. Восемь человек, не считая тележки из супермаркета (потому что Андрюхе позарез нужна была тележка — вы же понимаете, в общаге без неё никак, честное слово), мы шли и молились, чтобы хозяйка не обнаружила пиздец раньше времени, не позвонила и не догнала нас на своей машине. И она позвонила, и догнала. Сказала, что мы забыли отдать ей ключи от дома, забрала ключи и тоже пожелала нам удачного дня.

Сидя на берегу реки с пивом и тележкой из супермаркета, мы, расслабленные и безумно счастливые, ещё долго смеялись и вспоминали в деталях предыдущий вечер. А хозяйка дома так больше и не звонила. Святая, наверное.

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